You will need:
1 cup sugar
½ cup canola oil
2 free range eggs
1 tsp vanilla essence
2 cups self-raising flour
1/3 cup cocoa
1 cup soy milk
1 fire extinguisher
1 warm bath
Method:
- Run warm bath.
- Forget to preheat oven to 175 degrees Celsius.
- Oil a 22 cm round cake tin. Accidentally spill 1 Tbsp oil onto the counter. Set aside spilled oil for Step 5.
- Confidently attempt to lift a bag of sugar that weighs more than you do. Teeter under its weight. Lose your balance, topple over and spill 1 cup of sugar on the counter. Retain for Step 6.
- Step in spilled oil. Skate around kitchen counter on oily paws shouting, “Wheeeee!” Crash into wall. Fall down.
- Scrape 1 cup of sugar off counter. In a large bowl, beat the oil and sugar. Realise that you misunderstood the recipe, and climb out of the large bowl. Ask your Most Responsible Parent (hereafter MoRP) to help you hold the beater so you don’t fall in.
- Spend ten minutes trying to determine how to peel a raw egg. Give up and enlist help of your MoRP. Lick remaining egg from shells. Beat eggs into oil and sugar until pale. Ask your MoRP how long it should take for you to become pale. Add the vanilla essence. Proudly measure and pour it in yourself, as it is just the right size for your tiny paws to manage. Remember that you forgot to preheat the oven, and turn it to its highest temperature to save time.
- Sift the dry ingredients together. Eagerly lean over bowl to smell dry ingredients. Sneeze enthusiastically into dry ingredients. Pretend that you didn’t.
- Get your MoRP to slowly add the dry ingredients to the wet ingredients. Supervise them and make helpful suggestions to improve their technique. They will never improve if you don’t tell them how they are doing it wrong! Distract them by pointing at a duck out the window (they love ducks). When you think they aren’t looking, lick the spoon before putting it back into the batter. Notice ants collecting around spilled sugar.
- Add the milk, and mix in, then pour the batter into the cake tin. Liberally spill batter onto counter top. Step in batter by mistake. Slip over in batter, and leave paw prints all the way across the kitchen counter as your MoRP marches you to the sink to clean your hind paws.
- Incinerate cake by placing it in the oven still on its highest temperature setting.
- Go on Facebook for 30 minutes. Step 13 to be completed by your MoRP.
- Smell burning. Open oven. Panic. Fetch fire extinguisher. Put out cake. (If you followed the instructions correctly, ideally, it should look like a large lump of damp charcoal.) Turn off oven. Turn off smoke alarm.
- Allow cake to cool. Throw cake in compost. Eat the ants instead. Yum!
- Immerse yourself in warm bath to wash the batter off your fur.